I'm doing it for him
by softgentle
Summary: I thought i would do a diary entry in the point of view of sister Bernadette. This one is based on before sister julienne comes to visit her in the sanatorium. please review! i know some it is a bit wrong but i thought i would change the story around a bit
1. Chapter 1

**i thought I'd do a diary entry for sister Bernadette conflicting about her feelings before sister Julienne visits her in the sanatorium and after doctor turner comes to find her.**

15th October 1957

I feel like I can't be true to myself or to god anymore. I suddenly feel like I should be a bright young nurse running around in a blue uniform instead of waking up at 4:30 every morning. I still believe myself to be religious, in my heart I will always be god's servant. But I must follow what my heart tells me to. In this case it would be the man who kissed my scared hand. I care for his son ever so much. If anything happened to timothy I wouldn't forgive myself.

Doctor Turner has been so kind to me and I think that why I feel like I need to be there. I'm ready to be out of this habit. To be free of this limited life. But nothing would ever stop me from nursing. I need to see him. My heart has waited long enough to be free. I remember so well the day I stared for full hour in the mirror at my hair.

I had overlooked it for so long that I suddenly realised I don't need to be in the order for the rest of my life. I can be free, free of this horrible wooden cross tied across my chest. Doctor Turner has taught me so much from those letters. Even without realising it. He taught me that you can be free to live your life to the full.


	2. Chapter 2

1st November

I arranged for sister julienne to come and visit me. I'm looking forward to seeing to her. Reading through what I wrote in my previous entry I realise how confident I am in myself. Although I do not fell like I can show that in my day-to-day life.

The nurse also made an interesting comment that caught my attention. She noted how I never open my letters. And how I only seem to be getting them from the same two addresses. Little does she know that I _have _read my letters. Mainly focusing on the ones from doctor turner of course. I could read his letters thousand times over. I do receive letters from the nuns and nurses from nannatus. I relish every word they take the time to write for me. I also had a lovely visit from trixie.

She brought me a very large containing a Victoria sponge from Mrs B. I had an unexpected surprise from her. Timothy sent a dead butterfly and asked me to pass it on to the doctors. Im not sure what for...he didn't specify. Im guessing he wanted to know how it died or what species it was.

I always kept the picture he gave me on the dresser. Just to remind me that he still thought of me. I always thought of him ...and his father.


	3. Chapter 3

7th November

Sister julienne's visit went well. I managed to tell her everything i could. She understood and let me explain the situation i was in. Although, im not sure she quite understood what i was saying. She looked quite cheerful to see me. To start with, by the time we were walking around the garden she looked almost concerned. That made me fear that i had said or done something wrong.

Sister julienne looked almost disappointed when i said i could not wear the habit any longer. She remained supportive. She kindly agreed to send my old clothes to the sanatorium. In that moment when she held my hand in kind motherly support, i suddenly realised...she is the person who i am most close to and who i can almost consider family. Had my real family cared they would have kept in contact.

But i suppose i shouldn't linger in the past i have a future to think about and a doctor i must see. About the pains of not being able to see him


	4. Chapter 4

** i kind of messed up a bit so heres my edited version. i hope you like it and give me your opinion throught reviews! thanks! xxxxxxx**

9th November

I had a set of x-rays taken yesterday and I no longer have active disease. I will be discharged in a few weeks. I asked specifically to be discharged later so I could arrange to stay elsewhere. I'm planning a letter to send to dr turner. I don't feel like I can talk to him in person just yet but maybe I can manage a letter. I've been planning it in my head. Secretly I could write pages upon pages of words to him. But I don't know if he would find it as affectionate as I would.

Later that day...

Here's my letter to dr turner. I know I will never read this again but I think it's important to keep it as a keepsake.

_Dear doctor turner, _

_I have received your letters. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to reply. I haven't known my own feelings till now. i have read and re-read your letters so many times. No knowing how to reply. But now i do. I can assure you of several things._

_I do feel the same way for you as you do for. Or at least how to described in your letters. I've been given a set of x-rays. And i no longer have active disease. I nearly jumped with joy when i heard this news come out of the doctor's mouth. I just wish it was you. _

_I'm coming back to poplar in a few weeks. And hopefully a woman ...instead of a nun. I will be out of the restrictions of the habit and be in the new found freedoms of being a free woman. I look forward to reading your reply._

_Yours affectionately _

_Sister Bernadette_

i didn't really know what else to write. I will just hope that i have written the right thing and that he will find it affectionate.


	5. Chapter 5

Here's the latest chapter. Thank you for all the support so far. I have plenty of free time now so I should be updating more frequently. Thank you guys! Xxxxx please review. Need ideas for 1 more letter from doctor turner. Please review xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

14th November

I sent the letter to doctor turner. I spent the next few days wondering what he would write back. Or if he would write back at all. This morning I was going through my daily tests with my nurse when she handed me the letter. I waited till she had left the room until reading it. I'm keeping it in my diary...it means so much to me...

_Dearest sister Bernadette,_

_I must confess that I received your letter 2 days ago. I just couldn't believe what I was reading. At first I thought it was a foreign doctor diagnosing me with madness. _

_Madness for you._

_I apologise if you find that sentence disturbing. I also congratulate you on your recovery. I'm very keen on hearing when you come back to poplar..._

_Like you I have not completely known my feelings till now. It wasn't until I read your letter that my feelings were confirmed. I'm just as confused as you._

_Timothy pesters me about seeing you again, or when you will come back to poplar. He always talks of you; I know the both of you are very close. I thought you might also like to know that he keeps the picture you sent him on the mirror in his bedroom. Having something shown there is quite an achievement. He only places things there that he truly cares for or treasures. _

_I expect that as you're returning as a 'woman', the friendship will dramatically change. As well as the contribution of these letters in the previous weeks. I hope to hear from you soon as I wish to prepare myself for your arrival. I have much to say to you that cannot be expressed through a letter. Although I have considered it to be a better way to string beautiful words together. _

_Doctor Turner_

I have read and re-read it so many times. I can't contain my happiness. I know now that i have a chance to do something else with my life. If i have the courage to speak to him when i return to poplar...


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